"There must
be no competition among you, no conceit; but everybody is to be
self-effacing. Always consider the other person to be better than
yourself, so that nobody thinks of his own interest first but
everybody thinks of the other people's interests
instead."
(Philippians 2:3-4) |
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A RELATIONSHIP MUST HAVE VALUE
"And so faith, hope, love abide these three; but the
greates of these is love". (1CO 13:13)
Do
you ever struggle with how to talk to the woman you love about
the things that are important to her, like relationships and
feelings? Have you achieved career success only to experience
frustration or disappointment in your personal relationships? Are
you confused by how hard you work to provide and protect your
wife and family as a way to show your love, only to hear that
love being questioned because you're not very good at being
more "open with your emotions"? And after many times of
trying with little success, are you so angry and frustrated that
you've started to question whether or not this is the right
relationship for you? The truth is, a relationship without a
solid, ever-growing emotional connection is a relationship out of
balance.
Being in a healthy relationship shouldn't be a struggle, but
it does require work! A successful love relationship starts with
an understanding of what emotional intimacy really is and how
BOTH people need to generate it. To achieve that balance, the
emotional connection of your relationship needs to become just as
important for you to develop and should feel just as enjoyable
and rewarding - as the physical, intellectual, and spiritual
connections you have with your wife. Of course, you'll find
it a lot more enjoyable and rewarding if you feel your efforts
being appreciated and acknowledged by the woman you love, with
the added bonus of feeling closer to her.
The fact is, the cultural training men receive of what masculine
identity should look and feel like is also one of the major
obstacles that prevents men from learning about and valuing their
emotional world. This in turn puts men at a disadvantage as to
how to help create emotional intimacy in a relationship with a
woman. Because of this, men have come to fear that knowing and
revealing themselves emotionally might somehow bring their
manliness into question. The dilemma for men, however, is that
until they can educate themselves and practice some very basic
but fundamental partnership skills that involve emotional
participation, sustaining a healthy long term intimate
relationship will remain a mystery.
A successful intimate relationship starts with comprehending that
your wife will feel alone in the relationship unless she can get
more than a brief glimpse of what your emotional world looks and
feels like from you. This is actually the best way for you to
"show up" in your relationship. A successful long term
relationship requires a man to develop an awareness of how to act
and think more like a "we" instead of just going
through life only acting and thinking like a "me". And
all of this needs to happen in a way that you feel won't
require you to sacrifice your masculinity!
Emotional Immaturity
There is a basic issue that men struggle with that I would say
turns into a huge mistake when it comes to making a marriage work
long term ... and it is how men ignore - and at times even
celebrate - their emotional immaturity!
Creating intimacy with a woman requires some kind of emotional
participation from men ... and emotional immaturity makes it
virtually impossible for men to become equal intimate partners
with a woman.
We all know that the basic challenge for most men is that we are
not as familiar with our emotional world as we are with our
intellectual and physical worlds. And because of this, any man
trying to articulate and reveal his feelings to another person is
an experience that goes against all that is manly, because it is
a vulnerable thing to do. The whole
men-don't-talk-about-their-feelings characteristic of being a
man is actually a huge burden on any relationship that aspires to
be a partnership.
The idea of a healthy partnership is one that usually requires
equal participation in how both people "feed" all
aspects of a relationship. This means that the physical,
intellectual, emotional, and spiritual aspects of a relationship
must be "fed" by both in order for the partnership to
feel balanced.
No matter which one of these aspects is "starving" from
input by either member of a couple ... that is where one or both
people feel alone in the relationship. This is especially felt
when the emotional connection is not being attended to.
A single man can get away with not being familiar with his
emotional world and do just fine, but the moment he gets into an
intimate relationship and tries to get by without sharing his
feelings with his partner ... as he remains emotionally
disconnected from himself ... it means he will stay emotionally
disconnected from her ... and he essentially bails out on his
half of the job of feeding the relationship.
One of the most challenging pieces for men to "grow
into" in this reconfiguration of gender identity has been to
explore the unknown territory of their emotional world. And
unfortunately most men don't get the importance of this until
... they get an ultimatum from their wife who threatens to leave
the relationship.
From my perspective, authenticity is a crucial piece of what
healthy and mature masculinity means. Personal integrity as a man
can only come from a truthful and accurate representation of how
we feel and what we believe to be true for ourselves.
"Showing up" authentically in any situation is a two
step process: The first part calls for us to courageously look
into our hearts and become aware of whatever is in there, as in
... how do I feel, what is really True for me, and what is my gut
telling me right now. The second part of "showing up"
calls for us put words to that Truth ... even in the face of
disagreement or disapproval from the other person.
There are a couple of things that get in the way of us being real
and authentic with our partners: One big obstacle is how we as
men not only protect the woman in our lives physically ... but
how we also "protect her" from any information
(including from us) that may hurt her feelings or make her angry.
Which is not intimacy at all.
Of course, what we are really doing in these cases is protecting
ourselves from her disappointment in us for not being able to
insulate her from the pain of what we have to say to her.
The other obstacle that hinders us from being truly authentic
with our mates is ... because we are not familiar with the
terrain of our own emotional landscape ... we basically do not
trust our own abilities to get our emotional needs met -
especially if we reveal them to somebody!! This makes us
tentative - if not downright scared - to venture forth let
someone else see what is inside us.
Because of these obstacles:
1. There are ways that we may still feel alone, even when we are
in a relationship.
2. There are ways that we may still feel unfulfilled--even if we
make a lot of money and have successful careers.
3. There are ways that we don't know who we really are or
what we really are passionate about.
Expressing Needs Without Being Needy
Most men want to know why women always want to talk about their
feelings. And you should try to understand is this: Emotional
intimacy really is the glue of a relationship, and women are
acutely aware of this fact. Because women are more familiar with
their emotional world, they are by definition more aware of their
emotional needs. And having needs is NOT the same thing as being
needy!
All men and all women have needs. As humans, we have physical
needs, we have intellectual needs, we have spiritual needs, and
yes...we have emotional needs!
But being needy?? ... that is something altogether
different.
Being needy means that a person looks to - and even expects -
some other person, place, or thing to fulfill their own personal
needs ... as opposed to taking the time, energy, and courage to
learn how to satisfy and "fill in" one's own sense
of wholeness. It is a healthy thing for a woman and a man to look
to their intimate relationship as the place to get emotional
needs met ... as long as there is no emotional dependency created
where it is just expected by both people that their
"job" is to be the sole resource of getting each
other's needs met.
Again, because women have more of a working relationship with
their feelings, their need for emotional intimacy and depth is
usually way different than men's. Women search for deep
intimacy with their girlfriends, then they look for that same
level of intimacy in their relationship with their man.
But that's when most men start to get confused about how to
do that, and then they start to feel inadequate because she
reminds him that she isn't getting her emotional needs met
with him.
Men have to understand that they have different levels of need
for emotional intimacy in their romantic relationships then their
wives do. The trick is how man learn to dialog about these
differences without freaking out about them.
Men don't have to talk about their feelings the same way that
women do. Men just have to understand that until they get better
at doing it, their ability to be real is VERY limited, and their
ability to create and sustain intimacy is VERY limited.
The emotional needs of a relationship really is the glue that not
only defines the quality of a relationship, but also keeps that
relationship together. And the emotional connection of every
relationship needs to be forged equally by both people. This puts
men in the unenviable position of having to "play catch
up" in terms of what they have to contribute
emotionally.
A lot of times it comes as too little, too late for the woman
because she has usually gotten past her limit of frustration and
loneliness to try to save the marriage. Most men try to get help
to save a troubled marriage only after a wife threatens to
leave.
Many of you reading this right now may be doing so because your
wife shoved this into your hands and said, "Read this web
site, or go get some therapy, or go to some seminar to figure out
your stuff, or else I'll be gone." What is both sad and
amusing about this is that, the one thing that men get relatively
little information about as he grows up is how emotional maturity
can help a man succeed when it comes to creating intimacy in a
relationship. The biggest reason for this is that the one thing
that men get relatively zero information about is how to
recognize and acknowledge their own emotional world. It's not
any one man's fault, but it is a condition that pretty much
every man has to deal with sooner or later.
It's probably safe to assume that you've gotten some sort
of "Wake Up Call" about what you do and don't do in
your relationship with your wife that has sent you looking for
information on the internet for help. A common "Close
Call" for a man is having the woman in his life threaten to
end their marriage because of his reluctance to finally look at
and own up to his behavior that has helped drive the relationship
toward unhappiness and disaster.
The thought of ending up alone .... possibly forever .... usually
gets his attention once she threatens to walk out, at which point
the proverbial ball is in his court to demonstrate his
willingness to "work" on the relationship.
At this point women need to see some concrete form of action from
their man, like getting some relationship coaching, getting into
therapy, attending a seminar, reading a book .... The bottom line
is, it requires that most desperate of acts reserved for only the
most drastic and extreme circumstances for a man, which is...
...actually asking for help!
Sometimes it takes one of these "Close Calls" to smack
us upside the head for the "Wake-Up Call" to really
penetrate the protective layers that keep men emotionally
inaccessible ... kind of like the veneer of self-control we exude
to throw women off the scent when they've once again pushed
our inadequacy button!
Whichever way it happens, there comes a personal moment of
clarity when men must finally start to recognize a few basic
truths about themselves as man, such as:
* Growing up as boys, we bought the lie that understanding
and expressing our emotional needs was not a manly way for a boy
or a man to be,
* Which has impaired our ability to express what we feel
in our hearts,
* Which hinders our ability to take a stand for our
Personal Truth,
* Which keeps us playing the role of "emotionally
immature little boy" in our adult relationships with
women,
* Which keeps us from learning how crucial emotional
maturity is to creating and sustaining the emotional intimacy of
a relationship with a woman,
* Which keeps us torpedo-ing our relationships,
* Which keeps us alone.
Life has it's way of exerting a sense of urgency on us to
live a life that is meaningful and to be able to share it with
one special person. You may have a sense of this in your
twenties, but for most men it usually kicks into high gear as we
ripen into our thirties, forties, and fifties ... because
that's when Life has it's way of kicking our butts into
humbly admitting to ourselves that something or someone is
missing from our personal happiness equation. That's when the
"Wake-Up Call" arrives. And every man gets one. And
another. And another. Until he finally wakes up and chooses to do
something about what isn't working in his life. Or he
continues to live a life destined toward personal mediocrity.
The best way to being approaching your relationship with your
wife is to:
FIRST:
Put away your ego and your defensiveness ... and actually
consider the possibility that you have some blind spots about
your personality and/or behavior that are having a negative
effect on the relationship. This is a tough one because it means
you have to admit to yourself that you haven't succeeded at
something that is hugely important to you. And not succeeding at
something important never feels good.
Just remember that until you commit yourself to discovering what
your blind spots are, they will remain out of your awareness ...
and will ALWAYS inevitably sabotage your relationships.
SECOND:
As was mentioned above, open yourself up to learning some new and
different tools about relationships ... like reading a book,
signing up for some relationship coaching, getting into therapy,
attending a relationship seminar. It all starts, however, with
acknowledging to yourself that you don't have all the answers
... and maybe even asking for help.
If you're the kind of man that prefers to handle your
problems all by yourself ... this will be really uncomfortable
for you. But do it anyway!
THIRD:
Do whatever you can to pro-actively apply these tools to making
your relationship better. Work with your wife create a mature,
adult partnership where you both "have each other's
back" ... where you both give each other the benefit of the
doubt ... where you both forge a genuine trust in each other ...
where you both hold each other accountable to the greater good of
the relationship in a compassionate and caring way.
"The Wake Up Call" is a moment you want to be able to
look back at five or ten years from now and be able to say to
yourself ... "That was when I finally got it that I had to
figure some stuff out about myself in your marriage, or else I
knew I would end up alone in my life". There really is
nothing more important for you to be doing than learning how to
cherish and succeed at your intimate marriage and relationship
with your wife ...
The Weaker Vessel:
The name, "The Weaker Vessel", was derived from
I Peter Chapter 3 Verses 7-9 where The Word of God explains how
husbands and wives are to treat each other.
Verses 7,8 & 9 reads:
"Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to
knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto The Weaker Vessel,
and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your
prayers be not hindered. Finally, be all of one mind, having
compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be
courteous. Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing;
but contrariwise blessings; knowing that ye are thereunto called,
that ye should inherit a blessing."
The Word of God refers to wives as, The Weaker Vessel. This by no
means, suggests that women are subservient, and not equal in
knowledge to men. It means that in most cases men are physically
stronger than women and husbands should honor their wives as
such... But; it goes far deeper than that. Man was created from
dust of the earth but woman was created from man's flesh and
bone; which gives woman equality with man.
"Behind every great man their is a great woman".
This saying is more true than is realized. Woman is the apple of
God's eye and also a diamond in His crown. It is woman's
intuition that rises a man into his glory with God. But also a
woman can and will become what her husband is, or to be. In other
words: if you live a life of folly then so will your wife - if
you live your life in God's word so will your wife. You are
her spiritual leader on every level of her life. God had
commanded man to be totally responsible for his wife. And
gentlemen - this is why your relationship
with your wife must have value. To build a
marriage takes much courage and fortitude with more love than one
could possibly understand. Your marriage to your wife was blessed
and received by God and He does expect every man to care for his
wife accordingly to His word in scriptures....
For man - this is the biggest challenge of his life time - no
greater task for man than to place a death blow upon his pride
and his ego.... This challenge is what separates the men from the
boys. 90% fail marriage are due to man's ego and pride. And
to separate man's esteem from his own self-sufficient ways is
only the beginning of saving your marriage.
But the real question is: Are you willing to lay down your life
for her? Are you willing to die for your wife at any cost? If
not; then I suggest to leave this site and pray for the best -
because that is exactly what you have too do in order to save
your marriage....
The most precious thing for a woman is having a man who is
tender-hearted. She, herself would lay her life down for such a
man. She will respond to you in such a way would be greater than
your dreams. But you first must know what it is to have a
tender-heart. And throughout this website you will learn the
quality of a tender-heart provided you are willing to learn; and
willing to give yourself to your wife with a humble spirit.
What does it mean to lay down your life?
In the physical sense - yes. You are always to protect your wife
with your own life. But we are talking about the biblical sense.
What does the Bible say about laying down your life for your
wife? There are many scriptures that will guide you to the
meaning of "laying ones life down for another". And it
begins with "unconditional love". You must
always remember that you are the sole proprietary of your
wife's heart. You are responsible for any pain and hurt you
may cause, or place upon your wife's heart. That includes all
actions on your part, which includes any and all words that are
painfully and recklessly said; intentional, or unintentional.
Unconditional love is the beginning of placing a death blow upon
your pride and ego. You cannot love your wife if your pride and
ego separates your heart from your emotions. You must always be
thinking with "the
mind of Christ". If you get angry with
your wife for one reason or another - then this means you do not
love her with unconditional love. Unconditional love finds no
fault in your wife. This means: you must look upon yourself and
find the fault that lies within you. A woman will respond
accordingly to your actions and your words. If they are negative
- then she too will be negative. If they are positive - then so
will your wife respond; to the tender-heart and love you
projected towards her from you. This is all part of giving honor
and respect towards your wife. Because she is the weaker
vessel.
How does one place a death blow upon pride and ego?
First you must have a greater understanding of the words
"pride" and "ego".
PRIDE: (1) : the quality or state of being proud: as a
: inordinate self-esteem : conceit b : a reasonable or
justifiable self-respect c : delight or elation arising from some
act, possession, or relationship. (2) : proud or disdainful
behavior or treatment : disdain. (3) a : ostentatious display b :
highest pitch.
EGO: (1): the self especially as contrasted with
another self or the world. (2) a : egotism 2 b : self-esteem.
(3): the one of the three divisions of the psyche in
psychoanalytic theory that serves as the organized conscious
mediator between the person and reality especially by functioning
both in the perception of and adaptation to reality -
compare.
In the definitions above there is no humility.
Humility - Humble: (1): not proud or haughty : not
arrogant or assertive. (2): reflecting, expressing, or offered in
a spirit of deference or submission (as humble apology) (3) a :
ranking low in a hierarchy or scale : insignificant,
unpretentious b : not costly or luxurious.
In order to be humble; pride and ego must not be presence within
one's spirit. Humility is a fruit of the spirit and is
recognized by anyone through actions of another being.... Being
humble towards your wife is a virtue in which will spread like a
river towards others in your life. So how do you place that death
blow on pride and ego?
Jesus Christ is your answer: You first must confess your arrogant
ways to our Lord. If you are arrogant towards you wife then you
are also the same with others in your life; including your
children. Your confession must be from the heart and be
recognized as such within your spirit. Then ask our Lord to
forgive you and repent as to not ever again live your life with
pride and ego. And our Lord will forgive you and if you listen
very carefully; The Holy Spirit will instruct you on how to
remain humble towards all those you encounter in your life.
We will now move on to the "10 Commandments For A
Husband".
 
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God's
Love From Genesis Through The Revelation.
My Child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you.
(Psalm 139:1)
I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
(Psalm 139:2)
I am familiar with all your ways.
(Psalm 139:3)
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
(Matthew 10:29-31)
For you were made in my image.
(Genesis 1:27)
In me you live and move and have your being.
(Acts 17:28)
For you are my offspring.
(Acts 17:28)
I knew you even before you were conceived.
(Jeremiah 1:4-5)
I chose you when I planned creation.
(Ephesians 1:11-12)
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my
book.
(Psalm 139:15-16)
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would
live.
(Acts 17:26)
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
(Psalm 139:14)
I knit you together in your mother's womb.
(Psalm 139:13)
And brought you forth on the day you were born.
(Psalm 71:6) |
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